I chose my own way, God.
You knew I was going down a path that would be hard for me, but you loved me enough to let me choose it anyway.
I wanted what I wanted, God.
You warned me that it would be bad for me, but I ignored your voice… and like an obstinate child, I selfishly made my demands anyway.
I tried to make it right, God.
You watched me struggle and fight to carry the burdens that you never wanted me to carry, but I refused to let go, saying, “I can do it myself. I don’t need you yet, God.”
I thought I had to earn love, even yours, God.
You never stopped loving me, God, but I kept turning to what my flesh desired, even though my soul was wasting away as my heart yearned for your real love.
I refused to give up and swallow my pride, God.
You saw me dying inside, but because of your great love for me, you didn’t let me waste away entirely. You nurtured me… even though I didn’t know it was you.
I wrestled with my circumstances and cried out in anger, but I refused to let go of my life for so long, God.
You patiently waited for me to humble myself and ask for your help. You knew my heart. You knew my determination to do it my way. You knew that I had to come to you on my own terms.
I hit rock bottom and wanted to die.
In anger and desperation, I gave up everything… my apologies, my shame, my fears, my doubts, my pride, my anger, my marriage, my kids, my home, my past, and my future.
I screamed, “I can’t do this! Take me away from this life! I don’t want any of it anymore! I don’t want to be here!” And with no more of myself left, I sobbed, “You can have it all….”
I remained, even as I expected to be struck dead or tossed into the ocean like a rag doll.
My question, “Why am I still here?” was answered with, “I’m not done with you yet.”
Two things I asked for in exchange for everything else I could imagine in this world — only two. “Okay, God, if I am still here, then take it all, but please may I have JESUS and PEACE?”
My old self died that day, and now I can truly live, because Jesus Christ took my sins and buried them, overcoming death with a spotless eternal life… for me.
God, you knew that it had to be this way all along, but you never walked away from me. I owe it all to you, so now I promise to do anything you ask of me.
YOU ARE MY ALL IN ALL. Exchanging everything in the world for Jesus and Peace was the best deal that I ever made.
(originally posted on Stephanie K Ford’s Facebook page, March 30, 2025)