“It’s all your fault, I can’t believe that you would do that to me!” Do you have someone who speaks words like this to you? If so, when you consider what happened, was there something that you could have done differently with that person that would have still honored your wants and needs? Or were they offended and trying to blame you?
Individually, we are each responsible for our actions and behaviors, and only we know our personal wants, needs and desires. Knowing where our “self” begins and ends and where another begins and ends is an important stage of development, and many factors come into play when this innate human trait is formed. As we begin to understand that everything we do impacts another, if we are told by someone (usually a parent) that it is our responsibility to protect another person’s feelings, then our natural sense of self is being altered and God’s plan for being responsible for our boundaries is broken down.
It is not your responsibility to prevent someone else from feeling a certain way. Their emotions are their responsibility, and your behaviors are your responsibility.
When people make an attempt to pass off their emotions as someone else’s responsibility, they are not maturing as a person, growing in their understanding of their place in this world, and they are lost in a malformed sense of identity. Learning boundaries are a very important life skill for all of us. When we accept ownership of how they felt and punish ourselves with feelings of shame, we are also not maturing, growing, or developing a strong sense of identity.
“You’re only a ______________. Who do you think you are to dream that big?” Do you have people that have dismissed you because of your family of origin, your income level, your skin color, your community, or your lack of education? Did you believe them and lose some hope, or did you develop a defiant streak of determination to prove them wrong?
If you believed that you are not worthy or capable of doing something because of where you’re coming from, then you fell for a common lie that Satan uses to keep your talents and skills from becoming too great for him to have a voice in your life anymore. On the other hand, if you believed that you want to prove the naysayers wrong and show them what you’re really made of, then you also fell for one of Satan’s lies. His attempt to polarize and divide you from other humans with an “us versus them” mentality will harden your hearts and limit your impact on the world. Having a “chip on your shoulder” in life will only turn your heart bitter, angry and hardened to growth.
Your identity is not defined by people, it is defined by the Creator of all life.
Nothing about you needs to be defined by opinions, and you don’t have the ability to recreate yourself without God allowing it to happen. When someone challenges who you are, it’s important that you know the answer to, “Who does God say you are?” The many things that God says you are can all be found in the Bible, which is the foundation of all truth and love.
Who are you? You are all of these things…
BLESSED (Eph. 1:3) – LOVED (John 3:16) – COURAGEOUS (Deut. 31:6) – REDEEMED (Rom. 3:24) – FREE (Rom. 6:6-14) – BEAUTIFUL (Psa. 139:13-14) – VICTORIOUS (Rom. 8:37) – HEIR (Gal. 4:7) – CHOSEN (Eph. 1:4) – GIFTED (James 1:17) – VULNERABLE (Job 33:4) – PURPOSEFUL (Jer. 29:11) – STRONG (Psa. 18:35) – IMPORTANT (1 Pet. 2:9) – MINE (Isa. 43:1) – BELOVED (Jer. 31-3) – HIS CHILD (1 John 3:1) – CO-HEIR (Rom. 8:17) – BOLD (2 Cor. 3:12) – MASTERPIECE (Eph. 2:10)
One important thing to remember is that every single one of us was created by God, and we are each individuals created with free will to make choices as we wish. As sons and daughters of Adam, we all fall short because of our sinful nature. When Jesus came to earth, he took our sins upon himself, died, and then was resurrected. For those who choose to believe that he is our only Savior from this earthly existence to the heavenly kingdom, he was given the authority to wash our old self clean from all sin and bondage to death.
Through Jesus, every single person has the opportunity to be born again and to live in eternity with him! But some choose to sin, over and over, and they cannot see The Way. Sinning hardens hearts and confuses lies with truths, and then wickedness gradually consumes the person. And yet, there is hope…
“But if a wicked person turns away from all the sins they have committed and keeps all my decrees and does what is just and right, that person will surely live; they will not die.” – Ezekiel 18:21 NIV
For those that do the right thing in God’s eyes, but don’t have good boundaries, you may likely believe the voices of others who blame or put you down because of where you came from. Since I was stuck in this place for decades, I want to offer you hope! Our Sovereign Lord is a just and right God, and he judges each one of us by our own actions and sins, not for your parents’ who came before you or for your childrens’ who came after you, so it is important to realize what is your area of responsibility in God’s eyes and what is not.
You were created very specifically in God’s eyes, and modeled upon himself, not upon any other human. And he wants more for you than you have ever seen yet. He desires to give you a new heart and a new spirit. He is pleading with you to turn back to him and truly LIVE!! (See Eze. 18:31-32)
For those that have grown weary, are tired of doing good, or are feeling beaten down by the ways of the world, I want to remind you of the importance of following God’s path, laws, and truths… (Do not allow yourself to be lukewarm or complacent!!)
“But if a righteous person turns from their righteousness and commits sin and does the same detestable things the wicked person does, will they live? None of the righteous things that person has done will be remembered. Because of the unfaithfulness they are guilty of and because of the sins they have committed, they will die.” – Ezekiel 18:24 NIV
[And on a side note… many problem relationships actually take care of themselves when we learn how to maintain good and healthy boundaries. I highly recommend the book “Boundaries” by Dr Cloud and Dr Townsend as a must-read for anyone at any point in their lives!]