Jesus, when did my heart first lose its elasticity? Was it bit by bit, or was it one final snap of being pulled too hard in two different directions? I was such a good Gumby, even taking joy in being the one to stretch and bend to make everyone else happy! At the end of my marriage, did I lay there stretched out and unable to return to my original shape, or had parts of me been torn off and tossed to the side? Maybe it was a combination of the two.
Either way, I barely resembled who I had been originally created to be after thirty years of trying to mold myself into someone that I thought others wanted me to be. Were they even happy that I gave up myself? Or was I just enabling my family to rely on a superhero wife and mom that would always come to their rescue?
It felt like THE END as I filed divorce papers, but was it really the end? Or was it a powerful beginning? Fortunately, by Jesus’s saving grace and mercy, I know now that it was both.
Our hearts were made to be elastic by design, but not in the way that I had thought. I thought that my heart was made to be stretched as I did all that I could to make my husband, children and friends happy, and my self-worth and self-esteem was wrapped entirely into living a life based on what I could accomplish and how good I behaved. I thought my responsibility was to make everyone else’s hearts feel loved, safe, understood, happy and cared for, and I threw my entire self into that role with no end in sight. The vital thing that I missed, though, was to realize that my heart needed all those things too. Missing that detail turned out to be something that I was eventually not to be able to survive without.
Our elastic hearts are designed to love others as ourselves, but don’t overlook the aspect that it’s impossible to love others if you don’t love the person that you are as well. I questioned God about where this love comes from in the first place since there is nothing that exists in an unlimited supply without God. He gave me a vision of two sponges, both containing a certain amount of liquid. If they come together, the liquid transfers from one to the other and back again. Unseen by the naked eye, the liquid from the fuller sponge will be drawn away by the emptier sponge until the two contain similar amounts. Naturally, some of the liquid would at some point evaporate or leak away into other things over time. What replaces the liquid that is lost over time? What replaces the liquid if the other sponge takes it and never comes back?
Human hearts are like a sponge, and we each are given only one heart on the day we were born. The liquid in my story represents love, and we were each given a portion of that as well, even while we were in our mother’s womb. As we are loved by others around us, our hearts are filled with this love and softened by the extra “liquid”. As we pour our love to others, the excess liquid of love is passed along to their hearts, and this happens every single moment we interact with other humans without us even realizing it. It’s God’s beautiful design of creation that connects us with others, and it allows people to experience the blessing of taking care of those that have been depleted from a lack of love, and to have an ability to restore our parched hearts by connecting to others.
For most of my life, my heart’s “liquid of love” would be restored when I listened to music, spent time visiting with friends, or getting outside in nature. Eventually, though, even that wasn’t enough, so I chose to add some things that seemed like they were restoring me, but unfortunately they were actually depleting me. If the liquid of love is the fuel that we were created to gain life and fulfillment from, then I was ripped off by the provider of the fuel that I had thought would restore me but instead depleted me. I had paid for counterfeit fuel for my heart because I didn’t realize what the real stuff looked like, and I nearly paid with my life. The sneaky salesman of the counterfeit fuel was someone that I didn’t realize I would buy from, but out of fear, ignorance, and selfishness, I signed a contract with Satan.
COUNTERFEIT FUEL FOR MY HEART. Looking back, I wish that someone had told me before I started to go down the wrong path looking for love, but would I have listened?
Premarital sex was a counterfeit fuel that masqueraded as love, and I paid a hefty price for it with my failed 30 year marriage. I kept asking others how I would know if I was truly love, but what I know now is that you are confused and not at peace, then it isn’t truth, and it’s not from God. I chose to move forward with the wedding out of fear of disappointing people, causing them an inconvenience as we got closer to the date, and because I didn’t want to be alone. What I have learned is that if you are making choices based on fear, then God isn’t the one that you are letting guide you.
What is love with another human supposed to feel like in God’s design? It feels safe, peaceful, encouraging, hopeful, content, and strengthening, so if you are in a relationship that has these qualities, then build upon it because that is gold! First and foremost, though, we also need to realize that the love of God for us is all of these things, so if the God that you think you know doesn’t make you feel like this, then you need to get to know him better.
There is only one God, our Heavenly Father, who created everything and everyone in his perfect plan, and GOD IS LOVE. GOD IS TRUTH. He cannot and will not contradict himself, so anything else that you have been made to think or imagine is an unrelenting, torturing and confusing message delivered by the fallen angel, Satan. Satan doesn’t get to win this battle, but oh how he will fight for every heart that he can get to follow him into the eternal torment of hell, just to “get even” with the God who destroyed him.
If Satan can suck all the liquid of love out of your heart, leaving you confused, parched, dry, bitter, full of hate and fear, and perhaps most of all, stealing your thoughts of hope to find real love, truth, and joy, then he will have you stuck in a very dark place of bondage. Lost, alone, and devastated, it feels like there is no purpose to go on. “Nothing will ever change,” the liar reminds you.
Our hearts were created to be elastic by design, remember, and even when a sponge has been sucked dry, it only takes someone pouring liquid on it for it to soften and eventually have an abundance great enough to share once again. GOD IS LOVE. GOD IS TRUTH. God doesn’t sell counterfeit fuel for our heart, and if he had a gas station, I imagine that it would look pretty simple and straight forward.
Satan’s gas station, on the other hand, is lit up with shiny lights and might have a crowd around it, but they only sell counterfeit fuel that will ruin the engine of your heart in the end. Don’t buy counterfeit fuel because you’re distracted, in a hurry, or following the crowd. Slow down, pay attention, and be discerning, because your heart needs the real stuff in order to truly live and love like Jesus did.