Briar patches can take over even the best real estate property pretty quickly. If not cut back and managed, more desirable plants get tangled in the sticky vines as it spreads, and over time, it is a daunting task to tackle.
A “briar patch” of traumas can consume the best areas of a person’s heart, too, with more desirable things like love and trust becoming so tangled in the traumas that it is hard to sort out the good from the bad. What I noticed recently is that when Perry, the one who I see as the love of my life, tries to get to my good plants growing amongst the bramble, like my love, trust, or security “plants”, those more desirable plants are so deeply enmeshed in the thorny trauma vines that in his innocence of trying to build a relationship together, he is left with an awful lot of scratches on his arm. Without knowing the extent of my thorny trauma-induced plants caused from a lifetime of experiences before him, he doesn’t know to protect himself first, nor should he.
God is our protector and we need to trust in that rather than armoring ourselves and holding back from the goodness that he has for us in a relationship with another Christian. If we focus on protecting ourselves and staying at the surface in areas that are comfortable for us rather than digging deep in relationship to draw out the best parts of someone, we are doubly missing out on the goodness of God, and the Kingdom of God is missing out on all that will be gained too.
I hear in my spirit, “Be Brave. Heal in a Glass House. Show others strength in your vulnerability. Let them be blessed with compassion for you. No one changed the world by showing perfection except Jesus, so display his perfection through your brokenness.”
Since I’m the one with the nasty briar patch in my heart that’s been getting more and more out of control over decades of fertilizing it with lies that I chose to believe from abuse and the verbal attacks that I endured, I have had to figure out how to get the poky briar patch safely removed from the precious real estate of my heart while preventing the people that I love from getting hurt as I heal.
How to remove a briar patch
STEP ONE: Protect yourself with a sturdy pair of gloves and long sleeves to prevent scratches. STEP TWO: Trim away the excess vines, leaving only the roots and stems where they are growing from. Going slowly will allow you to carefully untangle the good plants from the bed, giving the good plants space to grow and thrive. STEP THREE: Deliberately shovel wide enough around the undesirable plant to remove the complete root system. Dispose of the roots and vines in the trash so they don’t re-root. STEP FOUR: Monitor the area where you dug up the plants for the next few weeks, and carefully target the problem plants with a weed killer. Avoid spraying the surrounding desirable plants.
How to tame the briar patch of trauma and restore my heart
The Lord showed me how I can apply this process to taming and restoring the garden in my heart. STEP ONE: Protect myself by spending time in the Word of God, which is our armor against even the most poisonous things. STEP TWO: Walk through my heart in my mind, asking God to reveal areas in my life that need to be cut away. As I slowly and deliberately trim away and cut off things that have gotten out of hand, I am supposed to search for the healthy and good things within me and untangle them from the briar. STEP THREE: This is a very important part because getting the entire root of bitterness, anger, unforgiveness, fear, shame, lust, or judgment can require walking through deliverance with a strong, trusted and faithful friend. Writing it all out, leaving it at the cross, and spending time healing with Jesus can take a while, and it certainly isn’t something you can do all in one moment. I am even beginning to wonder if I will ever be fully healed again.
Healing takes time and love
My thirty year marriage ended just recently in divorce, and anyone that has gone through an irretrievable breakdown of a marriage likely has a briar patch of pain in their heart, and when there is a history of abuse in that marriage, it amplifies a lifetime of traumas that threaten to choke out all the good things within that persons heart. Many people speak about taking years to heal, learn who they are on their own, and to learn how to love themselves before they can consider starting another relationship.
I continue to see that forgiving and not being angry with my ex-husband is something that I am still struggling with even though God revealed the very specific process of clearing out the briar patch to me months ago, and maybe that’s why I have been hesitant to publish this story. I write and rewrite it, wanting it to be perfectly God’s message released because this one feels so important because it is about a heart change that everyone that reads it can relate to in some way.
It’s hard to admit that while we know the right thing to do, we continually fight the urge to do the wrong thing over and over. This is not a new struggle, because Paul talked about this same thing in the book of Romans. I do not understand what I do; for I don’t do what I would like to do, but instead I do what I hate. Romans 7:15 GNT
One thing I can testify to is that when I wanted to die last fall and I begged God to take me off the face of the earth with his supernatural power and he didn’t, I understood very clearly that the only reason I am still here now is because I have not fulfilled my purpose in God’s eyes yet. I drew such a distinct boundary from that point forward that I was willing to trade absolutely EVERYTHING else for two things… JESUS and PEACE. Holy Spirit and Jesus’s complete redemption of all of my sins consume my heart completely now, and for the last year I have extensively focused on healing and growth, learning about how trauma impacts us, and studying Scripture. I have treated it like a job to work on resiliently healing and to focus on walking in the purpose that God created me for, and I have poured out tears and words freely and with faith that God’s promises are true. In my spirit, I have battled with an internal dilemma that no time would be lost and an impatience to close my last chapter and move on. I also have always known that I was created to love others, and to love others as yourself means actually loving who I am, which is a constant challenge for me as well.
Unlike my marriage, which I couldn’t recover or make it right because it takes two with hearts determined to compromise and sacrificially love, Jesus promises to never withhold his love from us. We are his bride, and he will NEVER divorce us as long as we choose to follow him. All we must do is repent of our sins, seek to know him, and worship him in reverence and awe.
Just under two months after filing for divorce, I had found freedom in being led by Holy Spirit and I was humbly beginning how to accept that God’s love is given freely to us, without conditions placed upon it. Without even looking for it, but knowing that I would find real love in a man one day, love found me when both he and I least expected it… on the side of the road in our hometown on a cold winter day, I met Perry.
I believe in the sanctity on Godly design of marriage between one man and one woman, and even on the day I filed for divorce, I told my lawyer that I would be married again even though I had no idea who God might choose for me. She warned me of the statistics, and I countered with my faith in God’s promises and stated that he has a much greater purpose for my life. Jesus looked at them intently and said, “Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible.” Matthew 19:26 NLT
It hasn’t been easy, but as Perry tells me often, anything worth having isn’t easy. It’s often not easy to get the best things in life, and Satan wouldn’t have an evil mission to complete if he didn’t try to continually rip those good things from our grasp. As Jesus has shown me, I am learning to hold my love for Perry with open hands and an open heart, trusting that the only things that are mine to enjoy are the things that God gives me. He and I invite Jesus into our conversations as we help each other clear out the briar patches in our hearts. It hurts sometimes, it really does, but Jesus is our healer and our blessings of following him far surpass anything we can imagine.
Jesus replied, “I assure you that when the world is made new and the Son of Man sits upon his glorious throne, you who have been my followers will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has given up houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or property, for my sake, will receive a hundred times as much in return and will inherit eternal life. But many who are the greatest now will be least important then, and those who seem least important now will be the greatest then. Matthew 19:28–30 NLT
Tears are a gift from God, softening our heart and surrendering our spirit to him. I have cried so many tears for so long, hoping that each bout of facing the pain of a broken heart would be the last. I am trying to learn to love the woman that God created me to be, as one who feels very deeply and has a face that is unable to mask how I feel. I am learning to trust and enjoying the freedom of living as a Holy Spirit-filled Christian, believing that God’s Kingdom will increase through my open vulnerability and my love for humankind.
Finally publishing this story is a lesson in obedience for me and it is revealing to me more and more that my healing and writing isn’t about me at all. My words and my stories are shining a light on the glorious Son of Man, Jesus Christ, and will inspire others to share their stories as well.
There is a place in this world for you, and your experiences will not be wasted if you let Christ flow through you without holding him back. Email me your story at steph@identityfromjesus.com and I will publish it online to make it easy for you to share it with others. Together we will amplify Christian voices and the world will hear the miracles of living the life with the fullness that God created us to have!