Story Dedicated to: Verna and Wayne, my neighbors who are still enjoying their home as a couple, as a peace offering for all those years that I didn’t even acknowledge your existence. Hopefully this short devotion makes up for my selfishness a little and shows you that God sees you and loves you both… right here and right now. And whenever you read this, may you feel his comfort and peace wrapped around you.
HOME. Coming full circle twenty-six years after leaving home for college, I am now back in the area that I grew up in. I recall my excitement and anticipation for the great adventures that I would experience as I chose the life I thought I wanted to have as an 18-year-old, and the feeling of wanting to break free from the “chains” that bound me in my mind my last year of high school. Voted “Worst Case of Senioritis” by my classmates and being quite verbal about my opinions that the entire school year was a waste of my time, I still pushed myself to maximize every experience and prepare for my future.
My family didn’t have a lot of money saved for me, but I had always wanted to go to college. I pushed myself hard to earn money at my part-time job as a short-order cook, studied hard enough to get the straight A’s that I expected from myself, was involved in volleyball, band, and every club and organization that I cared even a little about, showed up at church almost every Sunday with a feeling of personal obligation and because I felt that it was the “good” thing to do, and devotedly spent as much time with my boyfriend who was off at college as I possibly could. Driving home late at night from his parents’ house about thirty minutes away after watching a movie with him, going out for a walk and ice cream, or whatever we had found to do in his small town, it wasn’t uncommon that I would fight nodding off by playing music loudly, rolling the windows down for fresh air, and even stopping the car to do jumping jacks to wake myself up.
I partied hard on Saturday night and showed up at church hungover on Sunday, had a bottle of Seagram’s 7 under my seat to mix drinks at work and then drove home with my head spinning, at the same time as representing the Drug Education team at school and telling younger kids not to drink or do drugs, wore my favorite black leather jacket that smelled like alcohol and smoke to every concert or live music venue while still maintaining an image of a responsible kid who was voted “Most Likely to Succeed.”
But this story isn’t about me, it’s to tell you about how Jesus eventually broke through my Type A, “do all the things and strive to be the best,” “don’t let them see you sweat,” “Stephanie is a Superhero” mindset. I would regularly crash physically from the mental, emotional and physical strain that I was putting on my body, but I didn’t even learn much long-term from those lessons in humility. I always felt like I was a good plate spinner, running back and forth between ceramic plates representing different areas of responsibility in the attempt to keep them each spinning smoothly on tall sticks. If one started to wobble, I would race to it and give it just enough spins to get it back on track again.
When I ended up sick in bed for weeks with Mononucleosis and Walking Pneumonia as a senior, I lowered my head in shame as the plates began to wobble and crash to the ground because my body couldn’t physically run between them anymore. I felt like I was lying in a bed in the middle of a room that would eventually showcase my failures as people looked upon the shattered pieces of plates around me. I hated that. I hated myself. But I was never okay with spinning fewer plates like most people did, because I felt that my worth and value in life was revealed by the synchronization and volume of spinning plates that surrounded me.
My forced stay in bed at home was important for my health though, as much as my mind fought lying down and resting. HOME. What is it about being home that is so valuable for our bodies, hearts and minds? Home to me was the place where I feel safe, I can be myself without putting on airs, I know where things are, I choose the people that are around me, and I can retreat to a place of peace after being out in the world.
As that boyfriend and I got married young, we indeed had some great adventures, moving often with his military career, growing our family to include four kids and pets, and we did our best to create a “home” every place we moved to. My home was my sanctuary from the world… sometimes. But my home was also, for me, a giant plate to spin amongst all the other plates that I was trying to keep from crashing to the ground.
When “home” is not a safe place, a loving place or a retreat from the rest of the world, but instead feels like a facade to show everyone else that you are being the adult that you are supposed to be, even being home takes a toll for us plate spinners. I’m sorry, kids, if you felt like you grew up in a house that was rarely a home. I suppose that I never knew it takes everyone living there working together to love each other, accept each other, respect each others’ boundaries, and to have the same goals and priorities to make a house a home. I thought that if I was a good enough Superhero Mom and Wife that I could keep that giant plate labeled HOME spinning until the end of time without asking for any help, downsizing the number of plates I spun, or to right-size my expectations.
After thirty years of marriage, that ceramic plate called “HOME” crashed and shattered into a million pieces. At nearly fifty years of age, I finally realized that the problem wasn’t how many plates that I was spinning at any given moment, it was in my thinking that I was spinning them at all. I, Superhero Stephanie, am finally turning over my cape and all the trophies that I thought I had earned, and putting them in their proper place… at the foot of the cross of Jesus. I have no more plates spinning around me in my spirit, just a world of broken but loved people around me to spread the good news of a God that loves us no matter what we do, but simply because of who we are.
Who am I? I am certainly not the person that I thought I was all of those years that I strived to be the best, the busiest, and the most responsible. The person that I was created to be is SO much better than that, and will make such a bigger difference in the world. I am a Daughter of the King, and I carry “HOME” within me everywhere I go, because I am a temple for the God Most High.
My HOME is… Hope, Hosting, and Hugs… Obedience to God, Other-focused, and Outdoor-inspired… Moments, Memories, Mindfulness, and Making the Most of every Minute… and Enjoying Life, Emanating Joy, and Eliminating Distractions.
What is your home to you? Write it down like a Mission Statement for how your household should operate to keep your focus even when things get complicated or disorderly.
But once more God will send us his spirit. The wasteland will become fertile, and fields will produce rich crops. Everywhere in the land righteousness and justice will be done. Because everyone will do what is right, there will be peace and security forever. God’s people will be free from worries, and their homes peaceful and safe (But hail will fall on the forests, and the city will be torn down.) How happy everyone will be with plenty of water for the crops and safe pasture everywhere for the donkeys and cattle. Isaiah 32:15-20 GNT
Song dedication for my kids Casey, Bryason, Jenna & Elysia….