EMOTIONS. I know how things tend to spiral downward when my mind takes over, and I’m pretty sure that I’m not alone in this way that our minds were created to spin on things. We were created to learn from our life experiences, and unfortunately, emotional harm from those that we thought we could trust imprint some pretty negative memories and traumas that don’t disappear, but rather they layer upon each other to become a part of who we are. In God’s amazing design, unless we numb out our brain and dull our thoughts with distractions or chemicals, we can become eventually consumed by emotions. The “records” of past experiences start to play over and over in our head like a rerun of a show with no end, and we must decide whether to confront the difficult and walk through healing or push it deep down and refuse to acknowledge it.
Is there really any hope for peace and joy in this lifetime when my hurt is so deep and my emotions so strong? Well, what if life isn’t really like an episode of a TV show that plays out to an expected end, but rather like a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book? A dear friend brought this book series to my mind last week, and I recalled the joy that I felt as a child by getting to start the story over with a fresh hope each time, hoping that things would end with a “happily ever after” ending rather than an abrupt, “everyone fell to their death” ending as they sometimes did.
My brain, and likely yours too, does some pretty annoying things when it has ample time to wander around in thoughts and memories. I seem to often start thinking of a situation where multiple people that were all connected in some way (like a part of the same family, same friend group, or the same church) all verbally attacked me or talked behind my back separately with judgment, harmful words, and wrongful assumptions. My initial tendency when those type of situations arise is to want to defend myself, explain how they are misunderstanding my intent, or when I am tired of doing those things, I crawl into my “turtle shell” and say nothing.
To be honest with you, and myself, I acknowledge that long after something like that has happened, I revisit those situations and start to wonder when or if they will apologize to me. Getting that apology begins to feel very important when I know that I did nothing wrong, and then I get down on myself because I know better than to hang on to this feeling that life isn’t fair. I wonder, “If I truly have forgiven them, why do I still want them to acknowledge that they hurt me?” It’s hard to do the right thing when it seems that so many play by different rules, and it often feels that I am resigned to be a target for arrows shot by wicked people in the dark. How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Psalms 13:2 NIV
If I let my mind keep going down that path of discouragement because of the rejection I feel from others, I begin to hear a scary but familiar voice in my mind.
“There are many people that would rather that I didn’t exist at all.”
I have heard those words throughout my life before, and I know that they are a lie from Satan who takes pleasure in attempting to destroy one of God’s children, but it still sits with me and even masquerades as the truth when so many have rejected me within the last year. The boldness in Christ I proclaim now has taken many people by surprise as Jesus saved me from the life that I was hanging onto and barely surviving. I’m no longer playing by the religious rules and expectations that I keep quiet, do as I am told, don’t question authority, and interact only with people who are like me… white, upper middle class, conservative, well-dressed Church attenders.
Holy Spirit prompts me now to praise and worship with my hands in the air, talk about Jesus with strangers, offer to pray for people, to write candidly for anyone to see, and to embrace the outcasts. I am still healing… from layers and layers of traumas, a strong desire to please people, extensive verbal and emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, anxiety and depression. Many people have told me to heal more before releasing publicly what I write, but in my Spirit, I feel led to heal in a glass house. After all that Christ has done for me, doing as he asks is the least that I can do, and he promises to protect me from harm even as I leave my wounds exposed for all to see.
As others watch the transformation that he is doing in me, my entire life is my testimony to the goodness of our Heavenly Father. I have had to learn discernment quickly, and I have inadvertently hurt people in my family by sharing some of my experiences when they preferred that I remained silent and kept the skeletons in the closet. My complete transparency and willingness to be vulnerable is a stark contrast from the picture-perfect life I was revealing to others for my entire life while keeping the messy parts hidden. It has cost me relationships with family members, long-time friends, and has gotten a lot of people talking behind my back, and if I cared more about what people thought than what God thought, I would turn back and do what the majority of the humans in my life want me to do.
But in my spirit, I hear, “Do not be ashamed. Run the race that has been set before you.”
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV
Life is busy, and I have much more to do than sitting, spending time in Scripture and writing that “should” be done. Most of us can say that we often have much more to do than to take the time to let ourselves heal, but I have learned that if I don’t spend a considerable amount of time with the Almighty Healer, my mind takes me to some pretty dark places until I have once again lost all hope. Because I truly have a heart for people, I seem to quickly get pulled under with a worldly longing and a deep ache… desiring nothing more than to be chosen, accepted, and loved by others as I choose, accept and love them like Jesus does. As I look around me and become filled with sorrow at the humans that hurt me because they also have been hurt, humans that judge me because they have their own insecurities, my spirit begins to die as I begin to once again lose hope in mankind.
I feel like an outcast, and now I wander among many tribes, with few people that truly take me in.
I love even the people that hate me, why is it so difficult for people to love like that?
Yahweh builds up Jerusalem; he gathers up the outcasts and brings them home. He heals the wounds of every shattered heart. Psalms 147:2-3 TPT
God patiently waits for me to come back to him in my heart, in my thoughts, and with my time. We were created with a God-sized void that only he can fill, and I have learned the hard way (over and over, it seems) that I need to prioritize my time with Jesus and healing over everything else. When my mind starts to spin lies of destruction, I need to boost my Spiritual Immunization of Jesus so that my body can resist the infectious diseases of this world, especially the ones that can quickly take over my mind.
Musical inspiration credit to Katy Perry for her song, “Rise”… https://youtu.be/hdw1uKiTI5c?si=F_CW3GIVrkJzSZM1
