My day is going along perfectly normal, until BOOM, a trigger brings back a horrible memory in a crashing wave with no warning. Suddenly all the blood rushes to my head, and I almost pass out. I try to tell myself, “You’re fine. You’re safe. Everything is okay.”
The blood to my head is throbbing now, and I get a piercing headache. I keep talking to myself, knowing that I need to breathe slowly in through my nose, and even slower out through my mouth. In and out, in… and… out… I breathe slowly. My body doesn’t fall for this trick my brain learned from studying, though, that is trying to make it calm down and realize that the trauma happened in the past.
“Jesus, help me through this,” I whisper. My mind understands the difference between the present and the past, but my body still thinks that I am not safe, and I feel like throwing up from the nausea settling in my stomach. The tears begin to well up in my eyes, my heart is beating fast, and my head is throbbing.
For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Isaiah 41:13 NIV
I have been here many times before, but this time I attempt to meet this wave of a complex trauma response with curiosity. I choose to breath, choose to assert my authority over the evil spirits that are pressing in on me, and choose to be compassionate with myself. Holding myself up now and breathing slowly, I ask Jesus to walk through this with me rather than asking him to make it go away. I feel the ground firmly below my feet, look around and take in my surroundings, remind myself that I am safe, and focus on each breath to slow my racing heart and calm my upset stomach.
My thoughts and mumbling go something like this, “Lord, take captive my thoughts. Remind me of the truth of your love. Thank you that things are different today than they were back then. Thank you that I am safe now, and thank you for never leaving my side. Please heal me, Jesus. Please heal me.”
My head is still pounding from the sudden rush of adrenaline, but I am okay. Today I count it a win that my overwhelming emotions didn’t sweep me into having a panic attack like I did yesterday. I attribute that to asking aloud for Jesus to take my thoughts captive and telling evil spirits to leave, because I had let the negative thoughts spin on their own yesterday while simply trying to think positive thoughts in silence. Panic attacks are awful and I had moved from anxiety to panic attack before I realized it. I had gasped for breath in between wails, dry heaved, and felt my zone of sight narrow to a small tunnel, so I suppose I learned an important lesson about fighting the rushing stream of trigger to fear, to anxiety, to panic, and then to a full-blown attack.
God actually designed our bodies to react in this way to keep ourselves safe, and trauma responses that I had today are just another reminder that we are complex creatures that are impacted by our circumstances. The whole fight, flight, or freeze reaction was created intentionally, but when we can meet our body’s responses with curiosity and compassion, true healing can happen. As children of God, we are not a victim of our circumstances, or bound to our past, because we were formed and created, and still attended to, by the Creator of the Entire Universe. He designed us with an intricate system that has no flaws and no mistakes, and he designed our bodies with the ability to heal naturally. Love heals, relationships heal, nutrients heal, prayer heals, and supernatural forces heal.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 2 Corinthians 4:8-10
Our bodies are amazing, and the life of Jesus is within us, even in moments of trauma responses and triggers! Sit in faith and confidence, trusting in him to heal you. Bit by bit as we process our traumas, moment by moment spent with a trusted confidante, and word by word we read in Scripture, he heals us with his love.
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away. Revelation 21:4
When a trigger causes you FEAR that comes crashing in like a wave, break it down to F-E-A-R. (This will likely be addressed in another blog post too, but for those that are recovering from trauma and abuse, I want you to have this handy.)
F ~ FIGHT getting whisked away by the rushing water slide of emotions.
E ~ EQUIP yourself with simple truths of reality to get grounded.
A ~ ALLOW yourself time to be curious and compassionate about how you were created.
R ~ RECALIBRATE your mind to see how God has blessed you up until now in your life.
